I Heard 'No True Fan of South Park can be Without One' — Is That True?
What An Amazing Offer! What Do I Get?
You're getting full ownership of one square inch of real land in the REAL
South Park for just $14.95. For a mere $4.95 you get a timeshare, just
like in the "Asspen" episode. We're talking about REAL land, REAL real estate, in the
REAL South Park. We call our development South Park Heaven.
No true fan of South Park can be without one.
A timeshare for $4.95? Yes, a timeshare for only $4.95! A timeshare is like owning something, but only for your share of time.
Your South Park Heaven timeshare is for one second each year. Yes, one full second!
One billion nanoseconds! One trillion picoseconds!
How great is that? You could tell that hot secretary you own a nice little place in South Park.
(If you don't want to share and want all the seconds,
you can buy a
Full Ownership lot for just
a little bit extra, $14.95. You probably spent more than $14.95 last time you had dinner at a nice restaurant, and this Full Ownership lasts forever.)
If you buy a timeshare, like with all timeshares
you can even pick the time. You can buy your share of time for any day
you want. You could buy it on your birthday, anniversary, or even
the day you first fantasized about scoring with that hot secretary. Incredible!
Holidays? Yes! You can buy your share on Halloween, New Years Day,
Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Festivus, Boxing Day,
Groundhog Day, Canada Day, Flag Day, Erection Day — even Arbor Day!
Buy it as a gift for someone's graduation, baby shower (awww),
in memorium (sad face), or just for the hell of it.
No true fan of South Park can be without one.
But as with all timeshares, you have to act fast or
someone else might buy up the time you want.
buy it now!
If you buy the Full Ownership then
you're getting all the seconds, full year ownership of one square
inch of real land in the REAL South Park. Can't afford the full year?
That's what timeshares are for!
That's two great options so there's no excuse not to
buy one now.
But that's not all! You get a certificate with your official DEED
on it. You can frame it and show it to that hot secretary.
Or just to show everyone how cool South Park is and how cool you are for
owning land there.
That's still not all! You also get your very own copy of
the official Park County plat map showing
you where your property is. We even include directions how to get there,
since you'd never find it otherwise.
But Wait! We'll also give you a link to Google Maps satellite view and Google Earth with the Secret Coordinates, so you can zoom around the neighborhood before you visit for real. You can hunt for anyone named Kenny, or Stan... or anyone at all.
And! and! and! that's still still still not all! You get permission to use your
timeshare (or Full Ownership) during your
alloted share of time. That's right! You can physically
visit the actual property in South Park with pride
No true fan of South Park can be without one.
Get yours now before they're all gone!
...or you're gonna have a bad time.
I Heard It's 'The Absolutely Most Unique and Rarest South Park Gift, Ever' — Is That True?
Is This Legit?
Yes, actually it is.
Can I Really Visit It?
You bet your sweet ass you can. You'll get a map as part of your
purchase. It'll take you about a million hours from anywhere, but
you're more than welcome to come on down. You do need to stay just on
your square inch of course. No trespassing or we'll call the cops. Or,
maybe somebody will call the cops. If there's anybody else there.
Send us a picture if you make it.
There's no hotel nearby, so if you seriously plan to visit,
stay at our place in Breckenridge.
It's a scenic day trip to visit your South Park Heaven timeshare. Except
in Winter, when you can't get there. So go skiing or snowboarding instead
and spend lots of tourist money here in Colorado. Remember, skiing is
about having a good time. If you don't buy a timeshare, you're gonna
have a bad time.
Can I Really Stay There?
Damn right! You can stay on your timeshare during any and all of
the one second period you purchase. After that, get the hell off.
Excuse me, that was rude. Um, just go
buy Full Ownership.
We'd prefer that.
If you bought Full Ownership, you can
stay as long as you like, on your square inch. No trespassing on
any other land.
(We recommend standing on one foot using a boot
with an extremely pointy tip.) Watch out for Denkins — remember, he shoots trespassers.
(Or stay at our place in Breckenridge
and visit for your alloted second.)
Can I Build On It?
Uh, okay. But it has to fit entirely on your property and leave the
minimum legally required
You'll have to check with Park County how much that is. You have to
get a permit to build, of course. And if you bought a timeshare,
you can only erect on it during the period of your occupancy. After that,
get the hell off. Excuse me, that was rude again.
Just go buy Full Ownership.
What If I Buy a 'Full Ownership', Then What, Huh! My Erection Can Stay Up Forever!
Okay, right. You got us. That wouldn't be subject to the
one-second timeshare slice rule, yeah, yeah. You're pretty smart.
So, yeah, you can erect something permanent on your square inch
if you get a building permit and honor the
zoning setback. Sure, fine with us. Knock yourself out, Mr. Trump.
(Strangely enough, your property is near Trump, Colorado.
Even stranger is what's in Trump.)
Do You Guys Really Own Land In South Park?
Yes, we do. Been in the family for decades. Mainly because nobody else wanted it.
And it's really on Kickapoo Road. Not shittin' you.
Couldn't make that up.
If you buy a timeshare (or better yet, a Full Ownership!) then you'll get a
handsome map showing you where your lot is, and yup, it's on Kickapoo Rd.
(We didn't name it that either! Some developer dude did, 50 years ago.
We even know why.
Genuine street name in Park County. But don't bring any poo to kick.
Unless it's cartoon poo. But don't litter either.
Crying Indian guy
will come kill you if you litter.
Maybe his buddy KABman
will come kill you too.)
Will I Really Own Land In South Park?
Dude, you're getting permission to visit it for your one second, yeah!
(or forever for a Full Ownership.)
But not a recorded deed or anything that involves the government
You don't want the government to, like, control your stuff, right?
Besides, that would cost more than you're paying just to file
the paperwork with the county. (The greedy bastards. They don't
understand the iTunes model.)
But come on down to visit. If you can get there.
How South Parky Is It?
It's as South Park as it gets.
It's smack dab in the
geological region called South Park
(as opposed to Middle Park and North Park)
that inspired the show.
It's in Park County, Colorado — the South
part of Park County. (As a bit of trivia,
it's also quite near the geographic center of
the state of Colorado. A bit south of there,
You can't get any South Parkier
than this property.
Can I Buy My Timeshare on Leap Day?
Yes, but you can only visit it every four years.
What's The Deal With Arbor Day?
Whoa, you mean you don't think trees are cool?
It gets a bum rap as holidays go. It isn't even a day-off federal
type holiday. You could
plant a tree or something at least.
Does Anybody Live Out There?
(We don't know why either.)
Is This An Amazing Property, Or What?
Or what! It's cool! Actually, it's chilly. It's up at almost 10,000
feet above sea level. (So are many towns, like Breckenridge, where we have
our condo you can stay at,
so altitude isn't a deal killer in itself. Actually we're lying; the
weather in the summer is pretty nice.)
The property is snowed in and inaccessible during
the winter. That's somewhat of an issue for some people. But that's
what snowshoes are for.
It's flat... with little variety of foliage. Some might say barren.
(There are scenic Rocky Mountains all around,
and Colorado is worth visiting.
Tourism is big here, don't get me wrong.)
It's a several hour drive from anywhere with a public restroom,
and the dirt road can be bouncy.
So bring a ziplock bag or something, because we don't want you peeing on the
property. Like, dude, other people have to share it with you, right?
Ewww. And just because it's on Kickapoo Road, we definitely don't want any
(Full Ownerships are exempt of course, but no splashing.)
And there's virtually no water. But you'll only be there for
a second, though, so bring a bottle of nice Rocky Mountain spring water
(or if you're over 21, something made with it)
and have a good drink. (Cart your bottles back out with you, man.)
back to our place in Breckenridge,
which is really awesome, where you can soak in the hot tub and reminisce about
your amazing visit to your property, and have a nice dinner, and watch for the
bear to come eat the trash in the dumpster about midnight.
Don't forget to bring a towel.
Is South Park Really As Crappy As All That?
No it's not as bad as all that, and some people do live there, but
we don't really want you camping there on someone else's square inch, eh?
And definitely not importing poo.
Is There A Pool?
Of course! It's in the northeast corner of the square inch. If
it's run dry just spit or drool a little bit. Voila!
But absolutely no peeing in the pool. That's disgusting. And kicking
poo in the pool is right out.
stay at our place in Breckenridge
that has a very nice pool, newly renovated for $1M [one meeellion dollars].
And really nice hot tubs.)
Do I Have to Pay Property Taxes?
We oughta make you pay your share since they're a pain the ass, but
no, we're taking care of those.
Do I Really Get A Free Breakfast?
Oui oui! If you buy a share of South Park Heaven and visit the
property in person and
stay at our place in Breckenridge, it's a deal! Just let us know and we'll arrange your free breakfast with the cool folks at the Cool River (yum! for real).
What If I, um, Don't Want To Buy Anything?
That's uncool, and you'll shed tears of unfathomable sadness, and you're
gonna have a bad time.
I'm Ready to Buy — What Do I Do?
Click here to become an owner in South Park!